Posted by: Judy | July 24, 2012

My reasons for NOT losing weight..

Thank you to all those who participated in last weeks post about hiding behind weight. As suggests were made as to the logic behind my choice, I realized they all played a part, so here they are:

1. Weight as a shield. It creates a physical barrier.

My sister is exploring boundaries over at her blog, We Are One, and the one she tackled first was skin. Fat is an extension of that boundary. Fat is frowned upon by society and even more so by perfectionists. Fat isn’t a simple shield but an invisibility cloak. No one looks at you, so they leave you alone. At last.

2. Weight as rebellion.

I never smoked or drank or did drugs or much of anything else. I was too busy trying to be invisible. Those who haven’t found themselves in such a position have no idea how much work it is. Food became one aspect over which I had control.

3. Weight is the new whip I use on myself. I’m fat. I’m bad.

Society echoes what I’ve been taught all my life. If I’m going to be punished for things I can’t control, then I’m going to make it worthwhile by doing something. Eating badly is as good a crime as any of the other insane things for which I was punished.

Fine. I get it. Now what?

I’ve thought a lot about this and yet I haven’t. I’ve never approached it quite this way before.

Debunking my reasons.

1. Weight as a shield.

It isn’t. Not really. In fact, it impedes my ability to protect myself. I’ve turned over my responsibility to make and maintain boundaries to fat cells.

Really?

Are you kidding me?

Bah!

Okay. In some ways it does make me invisible to others but not all others. Some pretty nasty comments are made by total strangers, so I’m not really invisible. I’m pretending. Shoot. I’m lying to myself.

The predators in my life still touched me without permission and in inappropriate ways, so it wasn’t really working. I was pretending it was working…when the truth was that I was creating my own invisible barrier by staying away from the predators. The fat has been my visible evidence but not the truth.

Now, another consideration is that it made it more difficult for the predators to touch certain areas of the body. Okay, that makes my skin crawl. As it should. This does not change the fact that I was creating healthy barriers by staying away. The fat was a convenient excuse.

Am I ready to let go of the excuse?

I hope so.

2. Weight as rebellion.

I am almost 50 years old. I think it’s okay if I stop rebelling via my diet.

Instead, I need to explore other ways to rebel. I’m not used to thinking in these terms, so I’m going to have to consider the possibilities…oh, I’m a writer. My new rebellion. What did I always hear? “You can’t make money as a writer.” Well, I’m rebelling, and I’m going to give it my best shot. So there.

3. Weight as the new whip I use on myself.

I think this is going to be the toughest. I have to believe I no longer deserve to be punished, even though that is exactly what I was taught to believe.

The problem with this one is uniquely different from the other two. The previous two require some thought process change, but there are also physical, tangible things I can do and am doing. This one is all in my head. There has to be a way past this stumbling block. Finding a new whip is not an option.

I remember my last counselor asking me if I wanted to work for a boss who always criticized me, belittled me, hurt me, or did I want to work for a boss who praised me, loved me, and fought for me. I remember thinking that my answer probably wasn’t the correct one: I’d work better for the brutal boss because it’s familiar. I’m not sure I’d trust the nice boss. He proceed as if I’d answered correctly, and told me to fire the mean boss and create the nice one.

Sure.

Whatever.

I’m able to look back now and see how my friend who edits for me is the nice boss, and I do much better in my writing because of her.

Oh.

God’s been showing me, but I haven’t been listening.

Okay.

I can do the nice boss, but it’s going to take practice.

What a surprise.

Not.


Responses

  1. Nice bosses can still have high expectations, the encouragement and peaceful atmosphere make way to really excel. I think the nasty boss producing more is an illusion. We were taught so many lies. Hugs.

    • Yes, we were. ((Ruth))


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