Posted by: Judy | July 19, 2012

God wink…

To say I’ve been out of sorts would be a vast understatement.

Having my card name and number stolen could have been much worse, but it still means I have to change things all over the place and hope I remembered everything. Great, another narc in my life, only this one was unseen, unknown. I’m tired enough dealing with the narcs I know about in my life.

It’s difficult enough being single. There’s no one with whom to share responsibilities. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. Everything falls on me. Now, the whining is done because I recognize that marriage isn’t easy. There are just times when I’m so alone. I know God is there, but He isn’t going to call the card company. He isn’t going to change the passwords, when Yahoo was hacked last week. He isn’t going to make sure everything is up to date. I can’t pass along a decision. It’s me.

What’s the problem?

Over and over and over, I was told and shown how incompetent I am. “You’re smarter than that.” “You know better.” “Do it right.” “If you don’t have time to do it right the first time, when are you going to have time to do it over?” “You’re doing the doing, do it your way. I will inspect your work when you’re finished.”

My writing hasn’t been coming along. I’m stuck. The story is basically written beginning to end. The framework is there. Now I need to do all the stuff that will make it interesting enough for someone else to want to read it. I’ve given myself the month. We’re half way through, and it’s only a quarter done.

I feel so inadequate.

Then Nikon Sniper reposted this:

http://nikonsniper.blogspot.com/2009/06/mount-st-helens.html

Once you’re there, click on the picture. It fills the screen, and it’s gorgeous.

He posted it yesterday, and I realized I was feeling like my world had blown up, again. I stood in the midst of the destruction, overwhelmed. I clicked on his link, which showed he’d posted something new. The timing was perfect. God winked. Yes, my world is a mess, but He is creating something beautiful, and I need to be patient with myself.

Thanks God. And thanks Nikon Sniper.


Responses

  1. I sure do hear you on that whole “there’s no one else to do it but me” sentiment. In my present situation, (with my sister living with me), she tends to rely on me to be the one to resolve all the issues and handle all the inconsistencies that crop up on an everyday basis (like all the house repairs we recently underwent, or when the cable goes out, or the phone isn’t working). I complain all the time (sometimes in my head, and sometimes out loud) about being forced to be half a couple, even though I’m not married.

    The truth is, if I wasn’t around, she would have no choice but to handle all this stuff on her own. But because it’s easier for her to just dump it on me, and I don’t say no to her, I’m really the one responsible for allowing it all to fall on my shoulders. Your recent posts about “shutting the door” had me wondering if I shouldn’t start enforcing my own set of boundaries a bit more in this present relationship.

    The funny thing is this … when she moved in with me, we both considered it a temporary arrangement. I never stopped thinking of it as temporary, but she transitioned to thinking of it as a permanent deal, and I think that’s where the crux of our shift in attitudes rests. I either need to wrap my head around this being the new reality, or I need to make a change. After almost three years, it’s not so temporary anymore. Time to adjust.

    Your writing will become unstuck. You already know this. Sometimes even the act of writing about being stuck is the catalyst that helps the writing wake up and start moving again. You started out this post basically reminding yourself that you are the only one you can really count on to get things done, and that holds true for your writing as well. When push comes to shove, you will bail yourself out, and the writing will get done. Count on it.

    • Thanks ((ntexas99)) Exactly what I needed to hear: Reminded I will get it done.

  2. Do I hear you right, that your credit card info was stolen? That happened to me this week. This is the third time in less than a year it’s happened to me, and none of the times were my fault that anyone can tell. The crooks are getting savvier.

    It is still a big pain and annoying and upsetting, but don’t blame yourself.

    • Ack! Vicariousrising! How awful! What a pain in the …. A few weeks ago, I saw on the news that 3 million names and card numbers had been stolen, and I knew I was one of them. If the crooks put all that energy into doing something useful can you imagine all the world problems they could solve?


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