Posted by: Judy | July 18, 2012

To knock or not to knock…

Unfortunately, it doesn’t help the insanity. I was in my room. NM may have spoken to me through the door. It’s an educated guess. NM may have tried the door knob. I’m not sure. I was busy at the time and not paying particular attention. There was simply the sensation the door knob had been tried. Then nothing. Later, I come out of my room to discover a note taped to my door. My credit card company called, twice, about possible fraud charges. Why didn’t NM knock? I didn’t ask, because I already know the answer: “I didn’t want to disturb you.” You didn’t think finding out someone was fraudulently using my credit card was worth disturbing me? And you didn’t give me the information as soon as possible because you didn’t want to disturb me? Fortunately, I called the company, and they had denied payment, considering the fact the criminals were in a completely different part of the country. Yep, I’m stressed now. This is my easy way to lose weight. I can’t eat. It’s also the weight loss that doesn’t last as soon as I eat normally again.

I almost thanked my NM for letting me know. I was so grateful. Then it dawned on me that NM would not knock on the door. In NM’s warped mind, she created a boundary that wasn’t there. NM checked the door to see if it was locked (I heard it but didn’t think anything about it at the time). NM has decided that if the door is locked, then I’m not home. I lock the door because I’m tired of them walking in with little or no warning. Now, NM is offended (I’ve heard the offended speech) and thinks I’m demanding to the extreme.

What would have happened? If she had knocked on the door, I would have been so grateful she let me know asap. When I have been the one answering the phone and NM and EF were being alerted, I have always contacted them immediately, and done what I could to help. Don’t I warrant the same courtesy? Yes, I do.

The same day, I’m told a political party called me. NM doesn’t know who or about what. It’s delivered with the sense of concern that should have been used in regards to the fraud. NM kept saying, “But they knew your name.” Ummm… I’m a registered voter. Knowing my name shouldn’t come as a surprise. Really. They call NM and EF by name, too, when the calls are for them.

Just because I live in this house does not make me a nonperson or “less” than everyone else.


  1. Living some place else does not make you a person for NM. We are extensions in her mind. The sheer hopelessness of try to get NM to understand is frustrating in the extreme. A little unnerving too that a credit card company has more respect for you than the mother. Hugs.

    • I hadn’t thought of not being a person no matter where I am. You’re right. I’m repeatedly amazed by the respect I’m given, again and again, from elsewhere.

  2. Knocking must be some central issue for narcs. Maybe because it is an open expression of someone both being respectful for you and expressing an honest desire of needing something from you (your company at least, if nothing else).
    My NM is always enraged when I knock on the door of their apartment. She claims that me knocking is “humiliating” for them, because if we are “family” we would have to come and go in each others’ apartments as we please.
    I guess your situation is the same side of the coin, you are being punished for not holding the door open for them, to harrass you with everything they want to with. Any privacy or boundary is an offense for narcs.

    • Wow! What a contrast, and I never noticed it. My narcs feel no need to knock before entering my room, but for anyone to visit they not only have to knock but on the front door, not the side door. Of course, the door is kept locked at all times (we’ve been broken into, except they didn’t have to break because the door had been unlocked), but even with known company visiting, everyone knocks. They knock when they visit the homes of the other children. In fact, NM makes a huge deal out of asking permission to visit her children and respecting their homes…the hypocrisy is astounding. Thanks for the eye-opening comment, Scatha!

  3. ((Judy)), I’m sorry you’re being treated with such a lack of respect; sadly Narcs have no conscience. It seems your mother is trying to break down the boundaries you need (everyone needs privacy and breathing space) by using emotional cruelty. It never ceases to amaze me what clever schemers Ns are. Putting the blame on you is some trick.
    I am afraid the only way forward is not to let them see they have hurt you, rise above it all and stay strong!
    Molly x

    • Thanks, Molly. You’re right; she’s trying to break down the boundaries I’ve set. And yes, you’re also right about the importance of not allowing them to see it bothers me.

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