Posted by: Judy | July 12, 2012

Unexpected discovery…

So, I locked my door all day. I was miffed about being an extension and frustrated by bickering I used to be severely punished for doing. Wonder where I learned it. Not.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling rested, without having had any chamomile and lavender tea the night before. It was too much effort to try and make tea in the kitchen. I had a lovely relaxed day and accomplished quite a few things, the first half the day.

The parents were supposed to be gone in the afternoon. I thought I was home alone, safe, until I heard doors opening and closing. NM was home. The rest of the day wasn’t as peaceful. All these years I’ve pretended I could feel safe.

Well, shoot. I’ve been lying to myself.

Truth?

I am not safe with my NM.

Sure, sometimes she’s harmless enough, but there is no way to know when or why that will change from one moment to the next.

The first thing you have to do is stop lying, especially to yourself. Chapter 9.

She will not change.

I cannot trust her or EF because they are a team. They chose each other.

EF is the healthier of the two but that doesn’t make him safe.

I am not safe with either one.

They may believe that what they do for me is out of the goodness of their hearts, but they lie so much about so many things what they believe doesn’t matter.

I am capable of recognizing their attempts to be helpful, but I have learned by painful experience that helpful is always defined by them.

They believe they are loving and respectful. Their definitions are warped.

They are not healthy.

They have chosen to never become healthy.

I am grateful for the ways they’ve helped me that have been helpful.

Accepting their help does not put me in debt in any way beyond a healthy gratitude.

Expecting slavish devotion is not healthy. Expecting me to be what they want is expecting slavish devotion.

As long as I live in their house, I will be under threat, subject to their whims and skewed perceptions. I am not safe.

I will do what I am able to make myself as safe as possible.

I will lock my door.

I will work toward finding a place of my own. It may not be this year or even next year, but it will happen. In the meantime, I will teach myself how to be safe and create it as much as I am able.


Responses

  1. Hi Judy
    I am sorry to hear you don’t feel safe. They certainly don’t treat you with respect. I know I would feel suffocated if I was in your position and you are quite right; if and when somebody does you a favour it shouldn’t come with strings/conditions attached. It would be lovely if you had your own place. Rest assured you are on my list if I ever win the Lottery. ;D

    Take care
    Molly

    • Thanks ((Molly)) 🙂 I have to admit I’ve learned a lot living here that I don’t think I would have learned if I didn’t. I’m not saying it’s okay; I am saying I will learn to be healthy in spite of them.

  2. “Accepting their help does not put me in debt in any way beyond a healthy gratitude.” I am working on getting my brain to understand this, even though I haven’t lived with my parents for the last 18 years I still sometimes feel like my life is “mortgaged” to them, like I am in debt to them for the rest of my life because they sheltered me, fed me and clothed me. Healthy gratitude is so the way to go, gratitude is a positive feeling while feeling in debt is so draining. I know that when my parents give they expect something back. That isn’t really giving, is it? It’s a business transaction.

    • Exactly, Kara! A business transaction with an unspoken contract that they have absolute control over, until I decided not to play their game anymore.

  3. I like the last part. Plus Facebook is showing so many places that would be so lovely to live. 🙂

    • Yes it is, which certain feeds my dreams. 🙂

  4. It makes me sad that your own home isn’t any kind of refuge for you because of your NM. It sounds as though even when she isn’t doing anything actively wrong, she completely permeates wherever she is…like the cloud around Pigpen.

    I’m sending you good thoughts and wishes that you find a space of your own where you can feel safe and sheltered! (or at least an industrial sized emotional dust buster to deal with your NM’s cloud)

    “I cannot trust her or EF because they are a team. They chose each other.” Oh my gosh can I relate to this one…you really hit the nail on the head. When I was about 14 my NM told me that even though she loved me, she loved my EF more. She said that if there was a fire and she could only save one person, she would choose him because he was “her mate” and that should come first before anything else. I’m an only child and I remember feeling so sad that if push came to shove, no one would save me, because both of them would be busy looking out for each other.

    Bleh, we all deserved better. Hugs to you and happy Thurs!

    • Welcome, kam. Thanks for bringing up Pigpen because it describes it so well. I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around it, and now I have the perfect visual.

      Thanks for the good thoughts and wishes and the dust buster. 😀

      I’m so sorry you grew up with parents who didn’t value you. You are of worth, deserving of love and protection. Hugs back.

      Today is going to be a good day, because I said so. 😉 Okay, because I’ve decided to have a good day. 🙂

  5. Well put, Judy, well put. So much truth.

    And you, too, kam! It is so true that even when she’s “behaving,” she permeates the whole atmosphere so that you can’t really breathe the air. I once had the realization that my mother is a black hole; she sucks everything into herself and distorts space around her.

    • A black hole – that’s another apt image, Cassandra.


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