Posted by: Judy | June 5, 2012

Still processing…

I’d planned on moving forward in my story, but I’m still stuck on this last weekend. I needed a place to work things out, and this has become my “safe” place to do that. Unexpected, and good to know.

I’m frustrated with myself. I know what I’m like at certain times of the month. There’s a reason why I ground myself, banishing me to my room. I’m moody and brainless. I don’t know when I should speak up and when I should shut up. I’m emotional and struggling not to show it because I know it’s often irrational and based in nothing.

Arizona Dreamin’ was a lot of fun. I can’t remember laughing so much, and I can’t remember having the stuffin’ hugged out of me so much. All the time, I struggled with being present as my mind wandered and blanked. I was awed and overwhelmed by the lovely group of women who included me in their circle. Even now I can’t be sure my sense of having royally screwed up isn’t all in my head. I hadn’t realized how serious my shut down was until I told my sister about it, and her eyes grew wide. Her comment, “I’m amazed you weren’t out for the rest day or the whole weekend,” drove home how much I had pushed through in order to participate.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen so aware of my polarizing experiences between knowing too much because of the abuse and knowing practically nothing because I’ve never had a healthy enough relationship for me to allow it to progress to even being properly engaged. I spend a lot of time alone because it isn’t awkward. There’s nothing to explain, no need to second guess myself on anything, no risk of misunderstanding or being misunderstood.

Unfortunately, it also means I’m isolated, and I don’t think that is what God intended, and yet I have to wonder when I bumble about in my attempt to connect with people even as I struggle to gauge how much to say and not say, do and not do, all the while trying to take care of myself in a healthy way.

I want to fit in, and I do, to a point. Not quite.

Losing myself in my writing makes all the uncomfortableness go away. It doesn’t matter if I fit in or not. Nothing matters but that I give my best to my stories. Solving my characters’ problems allows me to let go of the unsolvable problems in my own life.

I’m faced with the uncertainty of “Where do I go from here?” I can’t pretend everything will be all right, because it isn’t…

Oh.

My life is in limbo in so many ways. The only thing I know to do is to take the next step and then the next.

Right now, that’s editing and rewriting.

Round 2 of editing A Promise of Possibilities showed up on Friday, so I’ve gone through everything my editor did, today. I was terrified it would be worse. It wasn’t. Tomorrow, I’ll start reading it again for myself, though I don’t think I’ll be making many changes. It’s pretty set. I’ll send it back ASAP. The edits I contracted for Luck in Love showed up, Monday night. I read through them and have already started formulating how to work them out. I suspected I’d need to do a heavy re-write, and I am. It’s due at the end of the month, so there’s really no time for dawdling…

In this, my writing, I’m amazed to learn, I’m absolutely, without a doubt, totally and completely sure of myself. I worry about doing my best, but I’m not worried about whether or not I’ve completely muddled everything.

And so the wheel turns, the hamster racing nowhere fast.

Deep breath. And release.

Each day is a new opportunity to start over.

I’m taking it.

Update: I slept almost five hours, without interruption. Wow, does that ever help. My brain is back, along with my optimism. Thanks God. I truly hadn’t realized how much the heat had affected me in addition to everything else. It is truly a miracle I didn’t fall apart completely. I’ve come a long way.


Responses

  1. I am proud of you. πŸ™‚

    • Thanks, Ruth!

  2. “…All the time, I struggled with being present as my mind wandered and blanked…” I know this one all too well. There is a post I read a while back, that dealt with this. “monkey mind” (I think). http://meaningfulwesternlife.com/2012/03/06/monkey-mind-stop-cancel-change/…read the comments, too. (yes, skip my own :D).

    As far as the “why’s” that we do this, I haven’t found an answer. It might be from having to continuously be aware of how we are thinking and feeling, in order to protect ourselves.

    As far as feeling of never fitting in, it sounds like you did (and why wouldn’t you??). If you are worried about how others perceive you, or making mistakes…remember this one. Apostle Paul struggled with this, too. “I am who I am…I want to do the things I should, but I do not…”and so on. I struggled (and still struggle from time to time) with this, too. I am who I am. I do the best I can for those I love. I will make mistakes, but do my best to make up for them. If I do my best, and am the best friend, daughter, etc that I can be, if someone still has a problem with me, it’s on their heads. not mine. You are most comfortable when you are yourself. Be you, come-what-may. Don’t try to ‘fit in’. Just “do”. It’ll ALWAYS happen πŸ˜€

    You are a wonderful, beautiful person. YOU deserve to shine πŸ˜€

    • (((lifebegins45))) In truth, I know a large part of the problem had to do with hormones. Yes, the worst possible weekend, and “it” showed up early. Bah! It may not have been the whole problem – old habits die hard – but I’m willing to cut myself that much slack. Actually, I realize I’ve reach a point where I’m able to isolate it to my fluctuating hormones. This wasn’t true before I started working to become healthy. Thank you!

      • lol! My hormones during that “time”, only cause me to be bi…er…grumpy :). Part of me can’t wait for the ‘change’…the other part doesn’t want to be one step closer to “old”. not ready for that, yet.

        Hormones…one more reason to believe that God has a sense of humor, albeit, a sick one sometimes πŸ™‚

        • LOL!!! YES! On both counts! Not wanting to be old and God’s sense of humor! πŸ˜€

  3. I totally related to this post, especially being where I am right now. At some point I have to withdraw because its just too much stimulation, too much outside my comfort zone. I have a very hard time around noisy crowds, partly because my mother demanded do much silence and vigilance that it is too much for me to try to manage. Plus, at least at this conference, there is a lot of weird dynamics I don’t think I even want to be a part of. Superficiality. Schmoozing.

    I guess the sensitivity helps with the writing, but I can be trying at times. I have to say, I’m not 100% confident in my writing. I’m pretty much terrified every time I have someone read my work. I expect negativity. I’m glad it’s not like that for you. It certainly must make tackling edits less daunting.

    • If I were to recommend a conference, and I’ve been to quite a few, it would be this one. I’m not usually a socializer, and yet most of the people I knew I knew from online or the Desert Rose chapter. I’m not sorry I went at all. I’m sorry I felt so lousy, and didn’t realize how much my physical health was deteriorating or how quickly. It wasn’t until Sunday when I told my sister about my crash that if finally sank in just how dehydrated I’d become. I’m so very careful about staying on top of my water intake because of other health issues. I more than doubled my water intake, and was still dehydrated. Next year, I’m taking Gatorade. The noise was also difficult because I’m a bit deaf in one year, so I have to do a lot of lip reading. Even so, I’m looking forward to next year, because I’ll have a better idea of what to expect, so I’ll be better prepared.

      I’m terrified with sharing my work, but sharing it is more important to me, so fear has to take a backseat. πŸ™‚

  4. Judy, I admire your frankness and all of your ongoing efforts. Keep on keeping on and you will get there.

    • Thank you, Beth.


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