Posted by: Judy | May 24, 2012

The unseen hazards…

When I decided to start living boldly I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I knew there would be struggles in overcoming old habits and endeavoring to find a new way.

I didn’t expect to have my body rebel.

Struggling to sleep.

Unable to settle back into my healthy eating habits.

Gaining weight, despite doing the same things. Thank you cortisol. Not.

Deep breath. Breathe out.

The anxiety reminds me of the bugs under my skin feeling of too much caffeine. Chest tightening. Skin tightening on my scalp. Queasy.

What in the world was I thinking?

Despite all this, I am not giving up.

Each day is a new opportunity to try again.

Great.

Each day is a new round of gut twisting fear. Questioning my sanity. Doubting my decisions. Wondering when everything is going to blow up and crash in flames.

I’m living one day at a time.

God, I could really use a breadcrumb right now.


Responses

  1. Can you maybe do medium bold? Like, slightly spicy?

    I like that Eleanor Roosevelt quote that says you should do something every day that scared you. Mind you, it doesn’t have to terrify you. Just give yourself a gentle push so you can stretch those wings you’ve been growing. 🙂

    • LOL!!!

      The first time I remember hearing that quote I was 21. Many moons ago. Many, many, many moons. Anyway. At the time, smiling at strangers scared me, but I did it, every day. This no longer scares me. Hmmm… hadn’t realized that. Again, anyway. Now that you mention it, I have been stretching those wings, a lot. I think it’s simply one of those days where I suddenly realize I’m standing on the edge of the cliff. I’ve been here for quite a while, preparing. It distracted me enough to not realize the cliff was there. Now that the preparations are starting to take hold I’m able to look around. I’m in the initial “What in blazes was I thinking?” The cliff is a lot higher than it looked when I first stepped up to it. Well, actually it isn’t. My vision is clearer. I’m able to see the rocks below, if I crash. It will be ugly. I’ve gone too far to pull back. I am taking the leap, but there are still a few things I need to do, and I don’t control the timing of those things. I have to let them come at me. Breathe. Do not forget to breathe. Thanks for the laugh. It does help. 🙂 (((vicariousrising)))

      • I’ve been feeling the same way,no sleep, tea on a drip, feeling like the sky is going to fall. I wonder if it’s part of the process. We can do this, Judy, just keep swimming 🙂

        • Yes, we will. 🙂 Note to self: No matter how it may feel like the sky is falling, it doesn’t ever actually fall. There may be rain, sleet, and/or snow, but the sky doesn’t fall.

          • hahaha, I’ll try to remember. Also I forgot to say earlier that I loved the idea of “medium bold” 🙂

            • 😀

  2. Now it is time to open your wings and fly. I wonder if a butterfly feels the same way on first flight? Hugs to you. 🙂

    • I think a butterfly does what it was born to do…

      Oh.

      Maybe I don’t quite believe, yet, this is what I’m born to do…

  3. You sound as though you are feeling exactly as I do when I’m in a time-crunch and overwhelmed with everything going on around me. Lord, do I get snappy during those times! Sounds (even small ones) can be so excruciating, it seems as though it’ll make my head split in two…

    Quiet moments are a god-send during those times. Even if I have to fight to get them. Ear plugs…a wondrous invention! lol!!

    Getting enough sleep is a big one, to allow us the time to absorb everything. When I wake up, things don’t seem to be so BIG and LOUD! I don’t like sleeping pills, but I have been known to take some Tylenol PM to help. After a couple of days, my sleeping schedule is more normal.

    You have a lot going on around you. It’s no wonder you are a bit overwhelmed! Sounds like “someone” needs to take some YOU time!! Put away the writing, the computer, the notebook, and even the cell phone. Find a quiet place away from the rest of the world for a while. Give yourself ONE day, if you can. Above all SLEEP! 🙂 I know you will be fine. Overwhelmed, yes, but a force to be reckoned with! Sometimes our humanity gets the best of us. We do have our breaking point. The trick is to beat it. Hang in there!

    • No time to take a whole day. I do have a weekend scheduled, next week. A readers’ conference. I’m really looking forward to it. I did stop at P.Croissant, my favorite eatery. I splurged and bought a sandwich. Sat down and ate while I read on my Kindle. For an hour I didn’t think about the transcribing I need to do or the editing on my plate. Then again, I woke up at 4 am, which means I’m a bit wired. Okay, reading your comment has helped me slow down a little. Thank you!

  4. Another thought…changing our habits takes time. In the case of relearning how to LIVE, it takes even longer. Shattering the old conditioning of what we were taught growing up, then rebuilding a more balanced life over the old, doesn’t have to be done over night! It’s a hard transition. One step at a time, one battle at a time. With each victory, there should be some time of reflection. when your strength is rebuilt, tackle another battle. Don’t forget to revel in the pride of knowing you conquered something…ANYTHING… We are recreating our own world. God created ours in 7 days. He’s GOD! Yet he still took a day to rest 🙂 We’re human, without all of that ‘divine’ power. We have to do it all from scratch…by hand…We can’t just “will” it. The process is exhausting. You’re strong! You are also human 🙂 don’t forget that! Hugs girl

    • Exactly!! Thanks so much for the reminder! Hugs back!

  5. When I’m feeling too pressured and can’t seem to settle or focus, (and definitely can’t sleep, and my eating is all over the place), sometimes it helps me to do what I call The Opposite. I pick a specific amount of time (usually one hour), and then I do the opposite of whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing. Am I supposed to be transcribing, or editing? Then I deliberately pull out a jigsaw puzzle and work on the puzzle for an hour.

    Sometimes I’ll actually set a timer, and promise myself for that one hour, I will do anything that ISN’T what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m surprised at how well this trick works. Especially when I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t possibly have an hour to spare. But the act of rejecting all the shoulds for just one hour has a tendency to allow my internal compass to settle in one direction, and then, when I get back to the business of whatever I need to be doing (transcribing or editing, for example), I find that I’m much more focused and ‘loose’. Able to put one foot in front of the other, without it feeling like I’m about to topple over the edge of the crevice. It’s maybe a bit like putting on my bunny house shoes with the rubber tread on the bottom, so I’m more comfortable and on firmer footing (except I don’t really have any bunny house shoes, but you get the idea).

    The Opposite is one of my favorite tricks. Or maybe it’s just because I like breaking the rules every now and again. Think of it this way … it’s one way you can be ‘mildly bold’. Hope you find your rhythm again soon.

    • I like this idea! I have to try it. Suits my contradictory soul. 🙂


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