Posted by: Judy | May 21, 2012

I want to be bold…

As I explore who I am, who I’m willing to be…

Interesting. Hadn’t thought of it quite that way before.

Does it really matter who you are? If you’re unwilling to be that person?

I’ve spent my whole life trying to fit a mythical role. From time to time (more often than I care to think about), I slip back into the habit. It’s familiar. It’s easy.

Choosing the easy way was a habit, because my inner life was anything but easy.

An abuse survivor’s inner world is a mass of chaos and turmoil.

This has me reviewing my early admonitions: Stop lying, especially to yourself.

Oh.

As I’ve struggled to become comfortable with myself, the professional writer, it has mostly been about being honest with myself. When I first created my author’s blog/web presence, I felt a tug-o-war with wanting to be who I’ve fought so hard to be, myself, and yet knowing I needed to create a brand and please a publisher.

The more I become acquainted with Desert Breeze Publishing, the more blessed I feel to have found a company where I feel I belong as an author. I’ve been working with my editor, and I’m grateful for her. She is bringing out the best in me, or at least I want to be my best. I’m working on it. There’s so much to learn.

I’ve been making some changes the last few weeks, ever since the writers’ conference.

Looking back, I’m able to see I’m endeavoring to be bolder.

Being bold is a trait quashed first thing in every abuse survivor. Predators loath boldness in their victims, which is why they have to crush it. It may present a challenge to some, but the end-game is to destroy it.

“Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

To question with boldness, one must also live with boldness.


Responses

  1. This sounds awesome. Fits in with “Boldly going where no one has gone before….”

    • 🙂

  2. Yes, common struggles here I think for most abuse survivors. Stop lying, especially to yourself, that can be the hardest to even recognize as we protect our young inner selves out of habit. And endeavor to be bold. Make a choice and act on it too. My abuser had me feeling invisible, hopeless, worthless. Once you realize you do actually have power and value to this world, the boldness comes out on its own. It’s working for me! You can do it.

    • It is so inspiring to watch it working in your life, rootstoblossom. Go you!

  3. Wow. This post was really like a cannon shot exploding against the night sky. How true that our abusers quash every bit of our boldness, until we forget that being bold is even an option. We spend our entire lives shrouded in the comfort of all the lies we told ourselves in order to survive, and peeling away those lies, one by one, can be a painful process. Sometimes it isn’t the lies that we told to ourselves, but rather, the lies that our abusers ground into our very marrow that we must learn how to recognize. We can’t prove them false if we don’t work to recognize the lies. The whole thing can be tedious and difficult. Even so, when we emerge with any new piece of awareness, and are able to recognize the lies as false information that was used to control our budding spirits, we are able to rejoice in having discovered one of the keys to unlocking our truest self.

    I especially love the quote that you chose to end the blog post. It speaks not of disbelief, but rather, of examining all the possibilities. Boldly being willing to look in every direction, because we want to know. Very nice blog post. Excellent.

    • Thanks ntexas99 for the recap reminder. Sometimes I’m so busy looking at the lies I need to stop, I forget where the lie came from. Some will say it doesn’t matter, but it does. Reminding myself it isn’t my lie but one I was taught permits me to release ownership of the lie. It’s subtle to some, but important to me. If it’s me doing the lying, then I have to explore the ‘why.’ If it’s someone else’s lie, then I only need to learn the truth. I don’t need to know their ‘why.’

      Yes, Thomas Jefferson’s quote truly helped me, especially in the beginning. It gave me permission and the responsibility to question everything; something a victim is never allowed to do.

  4. Loved the post, we might not think we are bold but we must be, really, to have come this far.

    • Good point, Kara, and sometimes difficult to remember when you live in constant fear. Thanks.

  5. Endeavoring to be bold…something I had never thought about. This also sparks more of that introspection 🙂 Bold? I don’t remember EVER being able to be bold. Fearful of the unknown..the proverbial bomb…THAT I remember and Identify most with. Lying to ourselves…the lie that protecting ourselves from the ‘bomb’, is ACTUAL protection. Nope. It’s entrapment. In order to learn to be bold, we have to keep our feet moving, head held high, and BREATHE in spite of the fear… To continue to trudge forward, is true boldness. It’s not arrogance. It’s a refusal to conform to the norm (what we are most comfortable in), and the ability to recognize it as the tool that has been used to keep us psychologically and emotionally stunted. Great post!

    • I was thinking of how healthy children step out with boldness. They have to be taught to be cautious. IE, yes sweetie you will be hurt if you jump off the roof, and no you can’t trust everyone you meet. You are so right about the difference between boldness and arrogance. Leaving the unhealthy behaviors behind, a little bit at a time.


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