Posted by: Judy | April 30, 2012

So many great blogs out there….

I came home from my writing conference, and spent yesterday playing catch up. I’m commenting in order on the things that struck me, though it isn’t the order in which they appeared in the post.

Vanci’s blog Not My Rock had this post: Leaping and Looking

http://notmyrock.blogspot.com/2012/04/leaping-and-looking.html

They’re like six-year olds with a chess board – they can only win as long as you make the moves they want you to. Make an un-predicted move and all hell breaks loose in their psyches; suddenly it’s YOUR fault for not playing their game right! How dare you! The nerve!

It described perfectly the insanity of living with narcissists. I’d be so afraid of making a wrong step that I’d be frozen in place, unable to move at all. Additional insanity was in thinking that by holding perfectly still I wouldn’t be noticed or at least ran a lower risk of being trapped by the snared laid for me. It took me a long time to realize the narcissists in my life frequently set me up to fail. Then they could point to what I’d done as proof I needed their help because I was incapable of making the right decision.

Vanci also talked about how her family felt betrayed when she started counseling the first time. I kept wondering why I didn’t hear any complaints. Not a single word. Then it dawned on me: I started counseling when my parents were gone on vacation. I was taking care of the house, all alone. There was no one there to object. By the time they returned home, I was already going to therapy. Then again, I withheld a great deal of information from my therapist, because I didn’t want her to think I was crazy.

I hear ACoNs and survivors of abusive relationships talk about the ‘good times’ a lot, and we seem to need to state – whether we’re convincing ourselves or others I’m not sure – that there were good times.

For the last year or so, I’ve been taking my choice to stop lying a bit further. At the writers’ conference I attended, they asked us to share our routines that worked. I write best to Christmas music. Really. The presenter made the obvious conclusion, “You must have wonderful memories of Christmas.”

“No.”

Yes, I actually said it out loud. It took me another 24 hours to process my answer. Why was Christmas music so beneficial for me? It didn’t make sense. Why did I find it so inspiring? Conversations with my sister of late, have been helping me sort through a myriad of contradictions in my life. I love Christmas. I don’t have a lot of happy memories of Christmas, though I must admit I loved Christmas with my dog. But Christmas with my family has few, if any, happy memories. A narcissist has to be the center of attention. Imagine the problems instigated by a holiday revolving around someone else entirely. Christmas music was played sparingly, with permission being reluctantly given more often than not.

So why is Christmas music so inspiring to me? Because it has no ties with the past. Listening to it when and where I want is a new memory. I also know all the words, so it doesn’t distract me with new lyrics. Jesus Christ is the greatest gift ever. My writing is a gift, and I believe I celebrate Jesus when I write.

 


Responses

  1. I’m also thinking that the message of Christmas (Christ has come into our world/our lives, to love, heal, and save, not to condemn) has its own joy and your spirit is lifted by that. Brava for saying the truth (“No.”) at the conference to the Christmas question!

    • True about the message, and I hold it to my heart.

  2. And yes, your writing is a gift! 🙂

    • 🙂

  3. Welcome back. You are right. Christmas music was not allowed unless mother was deciding what and when. I noticed that I enjoy things that have no connection to childhood for me it is making jam. 🙂

    • Creating our own happy memories. 🙂


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