Posted by: Judy | March 29, 2012

Struggling…

The last little while, I’ve been struggling. The depression more pronounced, i.e., it’s difficult to do things, even things I enjoy doing. Last Sunday, my journey of healing from psychological abuse posted the following:

http://lifebegins45.wordpress.com/2012/03/25/certain-things-ive-found-to-be-helpful/

I saw in it things I need to do, especially things I need to do more often. I enjoy being outside, walking, not for exercise but to enjoy the neighbor’s flowers, the trees blooming, just being outside. I also enjoy music. I have several stations selected at Pandora, and yet, I don’t remember to turn it on.

However, the most important thing I could do was admit what was scaring me silly.

And I do mean silly.

It’s embarrassingly silly.

I can laugh, now.

Now that it’s over.

I need to update my computer.

Yes.

That simple.

I could have done it on the cheap, three years ago.

I was too afraid to mess things up.

I was afraid of being wrong.

I was afraid of making a mistake.

It was silly.

I own a Mac.

It’s hard to mess up a Mac.

You have to work at it.

Really work at it.

Sigh.

I’ve been telling my BFFs I need to update my computer, for months, trying to talk myself into it somehow.

I can’t tell you how many times I went to the Apple store, on line, and looked at what I need. I even put it in a cart, more than once, and had to remove the second one that would show up in my cart. Then it would tell me to sign into my account.

Do I even have an account?

I could call Apple, and they’d tell me.

I’d freeze, and click to a different site.

Yes, phone calls can be that difficult for me. I have to psych myself into using the phone. My BFFs call me, and I’m fine with that. I know them. I know what to expect.

I’m a little hard of hearing, just enough to make conversations feel like a guessing game. I hate having to ask, “What did you say?” “Sorry, could you repeat that?” Over and over and over.

The other day, one of my BFFs told me I needed to call, tomorrow. Then one of my inspirational FaceBook pages made a post about doing something that scares you to death. I chose to call Apple. I knew it qualified.

Jud was delightful. God bless him. My stuff will arrive in a few days. He even walked me through what to do when it arrived, and assured me I could call and ask for help.

I DID IT!!!

And I feel so much better.

It probably wasn’t the only thing bothering me, but it had taken on the proportions of a wooly mammoth. Now it’s back to being the size of a mouse.

πŸ™‚


Responses

  1. Congratulations. Woolly mammoths are supposed to be extinct. You got’em on the run. πŸ™‚

    • πŸ˜€

  2. your thoughts describe my inner battle most these days
    I need to update also….

    Thank you….I like your post because it is real..
    emotions inside real…

    Take Care…
    You Matter…
    )0(
    maryrose

    • You’re welcome. πŸ™‚

  3. when we step into what frightens us and challenge our fear, it is surprising how we discover what we are capable of doing … thanks for sharing this one

    • Once the terror is over, it’s kind of fun. πŸ™‚ You’re welcome.

  4. I’m glad that post helped you! It helped me to post it. I needed a reminder, too. I understand everything you wrote, here. It’s scary to do the normal things you need to…especially when it requires stepping out of your normal routine. After all, it’s in the routine that we feel somewhat ‘safe’. when you are depressed, going through insurmountable anxiety, even small steps outside of our ‘safety net’ can be excruciating. But, step, we must. Deep breath, step…close eyes and breathe…find strength and determination for the next step…repeat. Once you are out of the mire, it can be fun to look back at the steps you took, and where you are now. Empowering. Remember the poem “footprints”? Looking back, reminds me of this poem. We were never alone completely πŸ™‚

    • Footprints is one of my favorites! And yes, we’re never alone completely, for which I’m truly grateful.

  5. I struggle with using the telephone too, although my dislike is that I cannot see the face of the person I am talking to, leaving me one less sense to read and judge whether I am getting thing wrong. Without that added feedback, I feel panicky and every too-long lull in the conversation makes me feel like I am not doing a good job at being a good phone caller.

    It is such a silly thing to get all anxious about, but I do.

    We really are left with too sensitive, raw and on-the-edge instincts and warning systems. Unlearning that stuff and taking it to normal levels is harder than people realize. We’re like children without good guidance measurements and are learning by the seat of our pants.

    Hang in there! And yeah! for getting the computer updated!

    • YES!! Body language is so vital to communication, and not having access to it means one of my survival senses is missing. Thanks for adding that extra bit. It’s something I frequently forget to include in my frustrating factor. Thank you!


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