Posted by: Judy | March 27, 2012

Upsi’s post…

Last Saturday, upsi had a post that left me shaking I was so angry. I left a short reply there, only after spending over an hour writing and re-writing and re-writing some more, trying to put into words my thoughts and feelings:

There have been quite a few comments, and I found them interesting and helpful.

If you want to understand the rest of this, you’ll need to read the post, otherwise, feel free to take a miss, today.

This was my response that I didn’t post there because I wanted to think about it for a while:

Listen up, Anon, and listen well (and if that sounds insulting, I suggest you reread your letter because I just said what you did, only in fewer words): This is not about you. This is not about your parents. This is not about your situation. What a blessing you have reasonable parents, with whom you can discuss your differences and have them respect your point of view. That is awesome.

Don’t you dare presume to know what anyone else is going through. Ever. It’s arrogant and prideful.

Don’t you dare bring your children into this. They are not whips to prove your point or bring others to heel. If you continue to use them in such a shameful manner, you may very well find yourself estranged from them down the road.

Don’t you dare pretend to be nonjudgemental and “trying to understand” when you read a few comments and declare everyone here ” so bitter, sad, angry and unwilling to compromise with parents.” Bitter? Sometimes, but it’s none of your business, and you certainly don’t have the right to judge me. I’m working hard to let it go, and until you’re perfect, you don’t have the right to determine whether or not I’m worthy or anything else regarding my standing with God, and don’t pretend it didn’t cross your mind, because it’s all over this letter. Sad? Definitely. Who wants to admit their parents would rather crush their child’s soul, than see them come into their own? Angry? Sometimes, but no I don’t spend my life there. The anger keeps me from allowing them to drown me. It keeps me fighting for my life. Unwilling to compromise? Excuse me? How do you know I haven’t tried to compromise? How do you know upsi and other commenters haven’t tried to compromise? You have a crystal ball and see into our lives? If I compromised any more I’d cease to exist, and it still wouldn’t be enough. I know, I tried.

For future reference, when you are perfect, then you can dictate to others what they should or should not do. Until then, I suggest you take your belittling somewhere else. When you’ve matured a bit, then maybe you can come back and visit and see that the people here are desperately trying to rescue their lives and the lives of their children before they are gobbled up by narcissist who will never have enough. Perhaps you’ll see people who cry themselves to sleep because no matter how hard they try it’s never enough for the narcissists in their lives. Perhaps you’ll see people who are so damn grateful to realize they are not alone, and God led them to this place to help them discover they are worthy of love and compassion and standing up for themselves is not a sin but a triumph. Perhaps you’ll see people who are endeavoring to help others escape the insanity of people who think they have the right to judge them as if they were God, and dictate to them, which God would never do.

I don’t care if you know upsi personally or not. You don’t know me, and you don’t know most of the people here. You haven’t lived upsi’s life, and you haven’t lived the life of anyone here. I haven’t met upsi. I do know that I’ve read this blog long enough to recognize people who DO understand what it’s like living with a narcissist. I thank God every day He led me to a place that is helping me to learn to move from being a victim, and not simply survive but thrive.

I have discovered a level of trust I didn’t think I was capable of, and could I be wrong? Yes, but deciding someone else’s truth is not my job. Living my truth is my job, and I thank God I have been blessed with so many amazing people who are willing to help me without telling me I’m a horrible person. I’ve had that all my life. No more.

So, anon, despite your attempt to unkindly correct my horrible flaws, by your definition (yes, I took this letter personally, but then you made it personal), I’m telling you that your perception of me is wrong. I’m a good person. I try to do good to others. I try to help others along my way. I even try to be nice to the narcs in my life, though they make it really difficult. I try to live a good life. I endeavor to follow my Savior’s example, every day. Some days, I’m successful. Some days, I’m not. Each day, I try to do better, just like you.

For the record, I’m not asking you to agree with me or even sympathize with me. I do expect you to respect me, and calling me names and labeling me bad or difficult or immature is not respectful. You don’t know me well enough to pass those kinds of judgments, and frankly neither do the narcs in my life. If you can’t be respectful, then keep your petty opinions to yourself. No one forced you to visit or comment. You chose, and you chose to be rude.

Do I sound disrespectful of you? I’m reflecting you; after all, that’s what I’ve been trained to do all my life, only now I refuse to reflect the lies.

It’s been a couple of days since I wrote the above. I’m still angry. I’m tempted to delete the whole thing. I don’t like the feeling of confrontation, but another part of me screams to be heard. It’s part of the reason I didn’t post on upsi’s blog. I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire, but I did need to have the opportunity to defend myself, something the narcs in my life will never let me do. No matter how often I stand for myself, defend myself, they will whisper lies and spread rumors, and I will always be a selfish, cruel, rude, nasty, ungrateful, little girl to everyone they know. And I’m so tired of it, so very, very tired.


  1. Amen Sister. I am so tired of being told I’m the problem. Bravo. Standing ovation.

    • Thanks.

  2. We’ve been told we’re the problem for so long, it’s like the most triggering thing possible. I’ll admit I sobbed after reading the comment. Sobbed from a place of pain deep inside that feels as old as I am. It felt like someone kicking me in the teeth. It hurt the way my relationship with my family hurts. And the support and words of truth from everyone brought me to the point where I could see how the comment was absolutely out of line. To be able to say NO, you’re wrong. That’s not how it is. We need to stand up for ourselves, for each other – we need to work out why this kind of message is so toxic and cruel. We need to see it for what it is so that we NEVER allow ourselves to take it again. So that we recognize it and get away from it as soon as possible.

    Thanks for sharing your anger, it is liberating and validating beyond words. Glad to be sharing this journey with you.


    • Glad I could be of help, upsi, just returning a little of the favor, since you’ve helped me so much.

      The problem with the message is they preach we need to love one another, which really does work, but it’s always love by their definition, and their definition is wrong. Their definition of love isn’t love, it’s servitude.


  3. Beautifully put. Don’t delete it! As a fellow ACON who cried herself to sleep every night as a child too, I applaud you!

    • Thank you, vicariousrising.

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