Posted by: Judy | March 19, 2012

Sorting through a Narcissistic weekend…

Phoenix Rising had an awesome post on bursting bubbles. I needed it.

Here’s the post, then I’ll explain why I needed it:

Credit to blogger CZ: (Reblogged from the The Narcissistic Continuum: http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2010/01/should-i-tell-narcissist-hes-narcissist.html, Original publish date: January 16, 2010)

Friday, I complimented my mother. I’m really trying to make life more pleasant. I was also trying to do damage control. The cable guy wondered, out loud, why my mother hadn’t asked me about her cable being out. Apparently, they had a huge system-wide problem in the middle of the week. I called, and let their little computer talk me through fixing it myself. Unsettling, but ultimately no big deal. However, that he questioned why she hadn’t asked me rang every warning bell in my head. So, I did damage control. She was pleased by the compliment. Whew.

Oops.

I let my guard down.

Saturday, it’s three o’clock in the afternoon. I walked out into the kitchen and discovered wet floors. I don’t know about anyone else, but I hate stepping on wet floors in socks. It was annoying, nothing more. No big deal, really. Then she said, “I thought you were napping.”

Wait… What?

My rage shot through the roof.

For those who think I’m being unreasonable, I wouldn’t have been angry if she were being thoughtful. She hadn’t come down the hall to check, as she usually does, and at times when I’ve been napping, not knocking but raising her voice to be heard, and always considerably earlier in the day. If I’m asleep that late in the day, then I’ll never sleep at night, so I don’t. I’ve long since given up on napping with her home. It’s pointless. This is all circumstantial evidence. Suffice it to say, the excuse was exactly that: an excuse so she appears thoughtful. “See, I was doing this when it wouldn’t disturb you.” But it’s a lie. This is the same person who vacuums when I’m trying to work on dictation, and she knows. The truth is she’ll do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it, and anything she SAYS to appear thoughtful is for appearances only. Deniability.

So why did my temper flare? I was angry because she lied, and it was totally and completely, absolutely unnecessary. All she had to say was, “I didn’t know you’d be out here right now.” That would have been the truth. Unfortunately, it also includes the forbidden phrase of every narcissist, unless they have an excuse to make it null and void, “I didn’t know.”

Actually, she didn’t need to say anything at all. What a normal person might have said, “Sorry I didn’t warn you.” Or “Timing is everything.” Or “Sorry about that.” Or “I hate wet socks, too.” Or… oh, bother.

It’s the lies. The totally unnecessary lies…

Oh.

It was the blatant reminder of how lies shaped my life, my whole world, and if I’d continued to buy into them, they would have destroyed me eventually.

I sent myself to my room, and knew it wasn’t over.

You see, if I’m nice, then she has to sabotage it, so she can continue to tell people how mean I am.

Wow… I just realized that as I typed it.

Next thing that happened was my dad had brought home some treats he thought he’d share. I was hoping they’d leave the kitchen, so I could come out and make a bit of dinner in peace. While I waited, I heard my mother state to my father, who was in the room, no less than three times she was giving the treats to one of my siblings. Okay. No big deal. I didn’t care. Their choice.

I came into the kitchen. My father had left the kitchen, and my mother completely ignored me (she always greets me, when she’s wanting attention). She raised her voice to tell my father in the other room exactly what she’d told him only moments before when he had been in the room (and I wasn’t), and he had agreed to her decision. This display was for my benefit.

Why it bothered me: I realized how often she did it. What was she did? She makes sure I know a special treat will be given to one of my siblings but not to me. She always has a rationalization to make it okay. She has done this all my life. I simply didn’t recognize it before, because I focused on her excuse instead of what she had done. Somehow the excuse always, well, excused it.

Not anymore.

I have noticed she does this, a lot, pitting two siblings against each other. One is given special treatment; the other is not. She always keeps it pleasant, sweet toned, “loving.” Unless you know what she’s doing, you wouldn’t realize what she was doing, and doesn’t THAT just sound insane! Diabolical. Welcome to my world.

She didn’t speak to me the entire time I was in the kitchen. I’m familiar with the silent treatment. I love the silent treatment. It’s so much easier on me. I prepped my food, and was out without a single word directed at me.

Last straw: Apparently she decided it was time for the silent treatment to be over. At nine o’clock at night, my mother was brushing her teeth. She was now all cheerful, greeting me, tacking on an I love you and an endearment.

Excuse me?

She’s has gotten back at me, so to speak, and now everything is back to being wonderful, and isn’t she just the most loving mother on the planet?

Well, at least everything is back to normal. I’m avoiding her, and she’s endeavoring to draw me back into her web of lies.

Now, why the post was so appropriate: It helped me step back and look at the day more objectively. I realized I had hoped for a little peace, and I was wrong. I’d forgotten something I’d been fiddling with this week:

Narcissist’s rules:

Rule 1. The narcissist is always right, and you are always wrong.

Rule 2. Refer to rule 1.


Responses

  1. (((((((((Judy))))))))) That was a strong post, and I am sort of speechless… the hug will help, I am hoping! This too shall pass, but we don’t know exactly when. I feel kind of helpless, but I’m hoping that the hug is still some bit of comfort and support, virtual though it is.

    • Hugs from you are always helpful. 🙂 You have been a huge help, for a long time. Thank you.

  2. Rinse and repeat…..Really do we really have to repeat it. Yup that’s how the narcissistic’s world goes around. Sorry that just sucks.

    • 😀 Thanks for the perspective!

  3. can I say that the “special treat” saved for our anniversary was absolutely nasty! It was the worst cupcake I’ve ever choked down….bleh… not that I wasn’t in a bad place to start with before we ever came over. I knew I should be coming when she came up to me in church, with a big hug telegraphed across the chapel and asked how my parents were… “the same” …”oh, that’s too bad” WHAT? does she think Parkinson’s is going to go away? GAH sorry sorry, didn’t mean to come here and throw up all over your blog….

    • My blog can handle it. In fact, I can’t imagine a better place.

      Sorry you were subjected to the “treat.”

      More sorry you had to deal with the insensitive comment.

  4. Judy, I must say how much I love your writing style! You bring your emotions out so the rest of us are able to understand what you are going through. I’m sorry this weekend was so hard on you. I (not having dealt with a narcissistic parent) can only imagine what being able to put her lies and falsities into perspective, has done for you. One of the last things I wrote to my X in an email, taken directly from the movie, “Avatar”: “I See You”. I called him on everything I learned about him, and I “saw/see” him for what and who he really is. Though you aren’t in a position where you can call her on it, openly, you “get it” and in that she will lose her power over you. Nicely done. though I know life is painful. Especially when, deep down, you want what any child wants (or adult for that mater)…their mothers love. Stay strong, Judy! You are a blessing! Me

    • Thank you!

  5. Yes it is infuriating when people choose to lie over nothing, when the truth doesn’t even matter, other than to make them appear at fault, no matter how slight the fault

    • And I wondered why I was always confused. No more.


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