Posted by: Judy | February 15, 2012

Life changing…

A few months ago, I finally came to the realization that I wanted more than anything to be a blessing to others. It is so awesome to embrace this heart and soul.

This past week has been amazing and life changing.

Meeting Jimmy Thomas was more about me than him. I’m in no position to say I know who and what he is. I know what I’ve read and our brief interaction.

It was an opportunity to confront myself and my perceptions of myself. I was raised in fear, and have lived my life in fear. I’ve struggled to be brave, and done some amazing things in my life because I was able to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Every day this week I have been confronted by my fears and my changing attitudes regarding it.

Sunday, I was reminded of my admiration of the Navy SEALs. Courage in the face of impossible circumstances and the heart to move forward against all odds.

Monday, one of my FaceBook friends challenged me to make the changes I’ve wanted to make but have been too afraid. I made the goal, and she gave me some ideas to help further it.

Tuesday, I decided I was tired of secrets, telling my parents the truth.

Wednesday, I signed up for my first writers’ conference.

Thursday, I met with writing friends and bought a Kindle. I’m not a fan of electronic devices. They intimidate me no end, not because they are smarter than me but because they cannot be reasoned with if they don’t work as planned. Using a hammer to solve the problem doesn’t actually solve it. I also decided to have a makeover. There are a myriad of reasons why I haven’t done much with my appearance. I was told I was molested because of my bedroom eyes, my appearance. I was expected to wear what they thought was right for me, which sometimes was, but more often was not. I’ve had my boundaries violated by numerous predators, all on the grounds they were attracted to me, for one reason or another. I did what I could to not be attractive. It ends now. I’ll never be beautiful, but I will do what I’m able to stop hiding behind the uglies.

Friday, I put into effect my new workout goals. I tried to use the day to absorb what I’ve been learning. I also came to another huge realization.

I often pray to God asking Him to help me become what He wants me to be. It’s always felt not quite right, but couldn’t figure out why it bothered me. Then the lightning bolt hit. God is all present. I’m wanting to be what He wants me to be, but I was still thinking in terms of my perspective, in the future, someday. If I want to be what He wants, then I need to see through His eyes. Some will say I’m arguing semantics. Perhaps. It shouldn’t be a surprise. I’m a wordsmith. Words matter.

Dear God, you see in me the shortcomings and sins and the good and wondrous. You  know the number of hairs on my head, so you know who and what I am. Everything. You see the miraculous and love-filled soul. You see Me, the Me not bound by the past and the mistakes. Help me to be what You see.

Happy Valentine’s Day to me.


Responses

  1. Its more than semantics. Go for it. 🙂

    • 🙂

  2. I totally get that “hiding behind the uglies” idea. My abuser always would tell me that he couldn’t help himself because I was so beautiful, so naturally I tried as hard as I could to NOT be beautiful. Good for you that you are giving yourself the gift of stepping into your beauty and truth. Amen.

    • Insidious, isn’t it? How they slough off their ugliness onto their victims, when the victim isn’t ugly at all. Neither is the victim responsible for the ugliness of the abuser. Such an incredibly tough lesson to unlearn.


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