Posted by: Judy | January 27, 2012

Spinning out of control…

Continuing from yesterday, because I want to watch how this plays out in my head.

I’m mad at myself and yes, I’m mad at God. I’m doing everything I know how to do, and it isn’t enough. I hate this broken record. The one that says if I weren’t so stupid, I would have figured out a way to escape this nightmare a long time ago. And there is that nasty tape again, from Chapter 1.

After allowing myself a good rant here, and letting it sit for a while, I deleted it.  Yep, I deleted it. I read through it, and there wasn’t anything new. I thought about posting it somewhere anonymously, but realized it wouldn’t change anything. I’ve read blogs about narcissists and they have pretty much covered it. I wouldn’t be adding anything except more evidence. I don’t need more evidence to the lunacy. I need a way to survive it.

I want to  curl up and cry. I’m ashamed of allowing my temper to get the better of me. I’m ashamed of blowing up like I did. I ashamed of giving her what she wanted, a scene, an emotional drama. I’m ashamed of playing into her game. I’m ashamed of not recognizing it sooner, and heading it off before it got as ugly as it did.

And I’m hurt. I blew up, and everyone thinks I’m unreasonable, never acknowledging how the narc pushes and pushes and pushes, until yes, I lost it. Then, rather than be hurt, I choose anger. The narc doesn’t care. Strong emotions feed them, any strong emotions. So I’m living an emotional half life, to protect myself from her feeding frenzies. How insane is that?

Isn’t that horrifying? To realize it is so convoluted and twisted? Welcome to the world of the narcissist.

And now the final truth: My hormones are out of whack, early. Not helpful. Something has to change. I can’t keep living this way.


Responses

  1. Hi, I just got out of a relationship with a narcissist and reading your experiences only gives me added relief that I am not alone. Though I am out of the situation now, I am still coping with it most days. What you described covers it perfectly, the drive you to insanity, make you feel like its your fault you can’t handle it, convince the rest of the world and even worse, yourself that your the crazy one, then somehow along the line they get you to thank them for it all. It is sick and twisted. I’m not sure of your situation, but I am hopeful that you will be able to get out of the abuse and recover. No one understands except for someone who went through it as well, but unfortunately there really are a lot of people who understand.

    • Finding yourself thank them for it really is adding insult to injury. For so many years I didn’t think anyone had narcissists in their lives like I did. I couldn’t imagine there being so many. Then I started finding blog, after blog, after blog. It’s good to know I’m not alone, but I’m so sorry, too, to know so many people have been hurt by this craziness. Glad you’re out of the relationship, colee, and are on the road to reclaiming your life. Go you!!

  2. You are working on that change and you will get there, one step at a time.

    • Yes, I will!! 🙂

  3. (((Judy))) You have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed it’s your NM who should be ashamed. I know from bitter experience what it is like to be in the clutches of a narc. Believe me I have been there. Have you noticed narcissists/bullies only pick on nice gentle people?
    I am a big believer that all things happen for a reason. I would be more inclined to think the recent incident was a turning point. God moves in mysterious ways!
    I only discovered about narcissists last September when looking for answers. I’d always thought I was the only one who had a mother like this.
    You have every reason be proud of yourself; I am sure a lot of people have learned from you; I certainly have!

    xx Molly

    • Thanks ((Molly)) Isn’t it funny/sad so many of us thought we were the only one? My sister directed me to upsi’s site, and I was stunned to realize how alone I’m not! Yes, as odd as it sounds, my NM managed to make my sister and I feel alone. A lot has changed since then, but it’s discouraging when I slip back into an old habit, even for only a moment. It is improving. I agree that God works in mysterious ways, and I’m finally learning to Him.

  4. I just don’t get it how easily we turn just about any emotion into shame. Is it simply because we have known so much shame that we’ve become comfortable in familiar territory? How can we be so quick to lay blame at our own feet, when we are the only ones that can save us? Geez, it’s complicated, isn’t it?

    Even the fact that you wrote / read / deleted / and then re-posted in a new direction is like a giant waving flag of success, and yet, the shame.

    What a shame we haven’t yet figured out how to turn shame into triumph. But we’re working on it.

    • I think the quickness to blame ourselves comes from the long habit of having been blamed for everything, including the impossible. We are blamed for their shortcomings, for their life not turning out the way they wanted, for not being the perfect conduit for giving them everything they want.

      Maybe the first triumph is that though we feel the shame out of habit, we choose not to pass it along. More amazing is that though we feel the shame, out of habit, we are learning to recognize it for what it is, and with effort we are learning to let it go. Go us!


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