Posted by: Judy | December 22, 2011

Sharing upsi’s post…

You Don’t Have to Dance For Them was the first blog I started reading about dealing with narcissism. My sister directed me there, and I’m so grateful. I’ve gained an incredible amount of information and insights. The other day, upsi shared the following:

It was clear and concise on the problems with truisms and apologies. I was amazed. As I read, I felt like a bobbing dog, my head bouncing up and down in agreement.

Then I read the list of questions the abusing party ought to ask. I know I will never hear a single one of those questions from the narcissists in my life, unless they’re using it to manipulate me. Neither do I expect to hear those questions asked.

That being said the questions were incredibly defining. Each one explored an aspect of every relationship, and helped me recognize what I was looking for in a healthy relationship. Granted, some of the things said would be said in a healthy relationship. Many of the things would never be an issue in a healthy relationship. It’s good to know not only what you want but what you don’t want, and more importantly how to recognize both.

I’ve begun to realize how much I “settled” most of my life. By that I mean thinking in terms of “Well it wasn’t quite as bad as all that.” “It could be worse.” “It’s been worse in some of my other relationships. ” No more. I’m willing to accept that everything in a relationship is magnified. So, if someone is a little manipulative to start with, it will only intensify.

An unexpected correlation become clear, recently. In writing my romance novel, and prepping it for submission, I rewrote and rewrote and revised and revised until it was as good as I could possibly make it. I knew it wasn’t perfect, but I couldn’t think of any way to make it any better. So why did I allow my relationships to grow like mold? What happened happened. What didn’t didn’t. Why didn’t I put in the same work and effort?

Not to be too hard on myself, I realize that I had been taught to accept whatever came my way and to not be too demanding and to not make life difficult for everyone else. Bad habits to learn, and it’s taken a lot of time and work to learn new, healthier habits.

Ten years ago, I began to live with purpose, with deliberation, with a willingness to do the hard work. Actually, it started about 20 years ago, but the last 10 have seen the most changes. I think I’m more the person I want to be than I’ve ever been before. I’m not perfect, but I’m not settling for okay anymore. I want more, and I’m willing to work for more.


  1. Thank you. In the business of the season I missed seeing this post at upsi’s. It is very timely and thought provoking. We were taught that we were lucky that our lives weren’t worse. Now we know that we can make our lives better. Great post. Thanks.

    • Hear! Hear! To making life better! We are doing that. 🙂

  2. good day everyone all the best to yous for 2012

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